Ah, the joys of revision! As every great poet knows, much of the “work” of poetry takes place through the revision process. With Waters 6th graders, we talked about some different ways to make a poem better. Sometimes, some strategically added line breaks, a new title, and more simile can open a whole new world of a poem. We read two versions of Jose Olivarez’s “Perder” before students worked on their own revisions. Take a look below and enjoy!
Ms. Hooper’s Class
My Last Meal (first draft)
by Augie K.
Someone once asked
What would you eat if you had one meal left?
Tacos
Lasagna
Penne
Tacos from Chipotle
Tacos from Maraditos
Lasagna from Dad
Penne from Mom
Memories last
Moments go
Your favorite foods can always be a memory
My Last Meal (revised)
Someone once asked:
What would you eat if you only ate one more meal?
Tacos
Lasagna
Penne
Tacos: Chipotle
Tacos: Maraditos
Lasagna: Dad
Penne: Mom
Memories last.
Memories go.
The foods will always be memories
Orange Chicken (first draft)
by Sophia D.
My heart, mouth, and stomach melt
I smell the drippy delight
I look at it
It looks as if it has the most syrupy texture
Wait! Where’d it go!?
It’s stashed away in my stomach
Orange Chicken (revised)
my heart, mouth, and stomach melt
i smell the drippy delight
i look at it. Is it heaven?
it looks as if it has the most syrupy texture.
wait! it disappeared!
it’s stashed away in my stomach as if a
thief robbed it at midnight
Fried Chicken (first draft)
by Alexander H.
My last meal would be
fried chicken from KFC
and the biscuits from KFC
then vanilla ice cream (the whole bucket)
and a big bucket of skittles and
Reese’s Pieces
Fried Chicken (revised)
My last meal would be
fried chicken from KFC
and the biscuits as well
then vanilla ice cream, the whole thing,
and a big bucket of skittles
and
Reese’s Pieces.
Ms. Collins Class
When I was 10 (first draft)
by Roberto M.
My favorite Domino’s pizza is my favorite. I wait to put pokemon on the tv needing to see the next episode. My fifth grade homework sitting on the counter. The sounds of music in school on friday. Having fun with my friend playing video games and just having a conversation is just as good. The new taste of sparkling water hurts my mouth. The smooth skin of my mom when I hug her.
When I was 10 (revised)
My favorite domino’s pizza with pepperoni.
I wait to put pokemon on the tv needing to know what will happen.
My fifth grade homework sitting on the counter waiting.
The sounds of music in freeze dance friday in school.
Having fun with my friend playing video games and just talking.
The new taste of sparkling water hurts my mouth.
The smooth skin of my mom when I hug her.
Separation (first draft)
by Melanie M.J.
The day I was laying in bed like a sloth.
My mom called my name telling me my classmates.
I wait to hear my Bestfriend’s name.
As I wait I stand as still as a tree. When my mom finished the list.
I was sad as a tree with no leaves. After I got to spend time with them.
I enjoyed every second with them.
The Separation (revised)
It was the day that I got to know who was in my class for school.
That day I was laying in my bed like a sloth resting.
My mom called my name telling me she got the list of my classmates.
As I wait I stand as still as a tree.
She then starts calling out names.
As I waited to hear my bestfriends name I don’t dare to move.
When my mom finished the list I was as sad as a tree with no leaves.
When I got to spend time with them I was as happy as younger me getting ice cream.
I enjoyed every second with them and love spending time with them.
pastries, (first draft)
by Alex F.
cinnamon rolls as sweet as sugar.
raspberry danish, its fruity flavor spreading through my mouth.
cake, as tall as a skyscraper.
croissants, the flaky outside and the airy inside.
ice cream, as much as a blizzard.
pastries (revised)
cinnamon rolls, as sweet as sugar
raspberry danish, its fruity flavor spreading on my tongue
cake, as tall as a skyscraper, with delicious vanilla
croissants, the flaky outside, and the soft and airy inside
muffins, the blueberries creating the perfect harmony
cookies, filled with delicious strawberry jam
